The travails of a born tomfooler

("be serious" I was told by a fat, gnat-brained, hypocrite - (hypocrite, because he pretends to be a goody-goody.. but that's another story.. maybe another poem about the hypocrites of the world who are hailed as gurujis) - so a poem about me, myself, the bad ole' perennially non-serious tomfooler.. heh heh heh!)

I am a bad girl. As far back as I can remember, I have always been a bad girl. You see, I have this terrible affliction of perennially non-serious tomfoolery (I think it’s such a sexist word don’t you – why is there no jillfoolery?? I mean, if tom can fool around, so can jill, right? But I'm going off-track). Cogitating on the matter, I began wondering, are some people born tomfoolers? – oops MS Word asks me with an angry red squiggle have I gone out of my tomfooler senses permanently or what? there’s no such word as ‘tomfooler’ you nit, it oughta be ‘tomfool’ you crawling li’l twit – but I think I like it so much, I’ll keep it anyway – so here, one-min while I go and zit that red squigg out of existence – there, done it – slurp-burp-glurp – felt good – but, like I was saying, are people like me born tomfoolers (zzzzit!) like there are born gnat-heads or artists, or for that matter, those that are congenital untomfoolers (hisssszzzit! – oh I give up – I’m cold shouldering all red squiggles henceforth), you know, like cold dead serious sober gnat-head types? I think so. You’re either born with the tomfooler bug, or you’re not. That’s a fact of my sad tomfooler life I don’t always remember, to my frequent coming to grief. (Add that to my permanently compulsive competitive habit of wanting attention – a pathetic hankering for wanting to be the ‘centre of attention’ – it makes for a case of creating a bubbling cauldron of much-much-grief-formyselfonly tomfoolery.)
The tomfooler bug – let me warn others who are thus afflicted and are desperately seeking a cure (always the kindly helpful type as I am – (blush) – (a quick look in the mirror which every self respecting attentionseekingtomfooler carries about her person – and near panic – so red in the face? – is it another attack? – a haemorrhage of tomfoolery? – relieved realisation – nah – only a blush) – er, where was I? (can’t seem to stop looking at my cute li’l tomfooling face) aah yes, the tomfooler bug – having it is like having the ebola virus. And can cause you painful mortification, especially if you happen to bump up against a diehard unbending untomfooler type in your peregrinations – which you will, often – and have one of your haemorrhagic tomfooler attacks. The world’s full of that kind -- who quite definitely lack the bug and have no intention of catching the infection from you. So, you better watch out if you’re planning on going off on one of your tomfooler jaunts happily blithely. You’ll be squished out of existence – or a major attempt will be attempted to do so – by the bugless nontomfoolers.
And like the ebola, there isn’t any antidote in the market yet – and none forthcoming in the future either – so forget it if you’re looking for a cure. There are palliatives of course, like the ebola has -- which I recommend highly if you’ve got a bad case of the tomfooler attack -- a heavy dose of hardboiled humid humourlessness is said to work like a bit of embolus in the jugular of your tomfooler head for a while. But only for a while. For, like the ebola, the tomfooler bug refuses to be exterminated, and lurks about in the dark, roiling corners of your psyche dryly chuckling and biting, just waiting for a chance to erupt in wild contagion.
And if you’re under the misplaced misconception – like most tomfoolers I know do – that “tomfooler and the world tomfoolers with you” – forget it. It doesn’t happen in the real world. And if you’re stubborn – like most tomfoolers I know are – and insist on pursuing a career in diehard tomfoolery, be warned -- tomfoolery is not considered an honourable profession these days, especially by the nontomfoolers, who seem to abound in this holierthanthou planet, henceforth to be referred to as Homo Humourless. Earnest earnesty is the way of the world of Homo Humourless. Mockery, as an honourable means of state of mind, went out of fashion since Homo Humourous came – laughed – and left. It’s an extinct species now. We tomfoolers, I know, have vestiges of those genes – but members of the Homo Humourless, as is their wont, don’t find this kind of monkey business funny at all. Extermination of tomfoolery is the order of the day. So, if you’re a bad girl, a tomfooler, a Homo Humourous, like me – you’re in deep shit.

-by Rita Putatunda